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As
soon
as
the
sounds
of
footsteps
and
voices
had
died
down
and
I
knew
school
had
begun
I
pulled
on
my
clothes
and
went
out
.
I
wanted
to
get
away
from
the
school
,
the
village
,
from
Bourani
,
from
everything
.
I
went
along
the
north
coast
to
a
deserted
cove
and
sat
there
on
a
stone
and
pulled
out
the
cuttings
again
and
reread
them
.
June
29th
.
One
of
the
last
things
she
must
have
done
was
to
post
my
letter
back
unopened
.
Perhaps
the
last
thing
.
For
a
moment
I
felt
angry
with
the
other
girl
;
but
I
remembered
her
,
her
flat
,
prim
face
,
and
her
kind
eyes
.
She
wrote
stilted
English
,
but
she
would
never
deliberately
leave
anyone
in
the
lurch
;
that
sort
never
did
.
And
I
knew
those
two
sides
of
Alison
—
the
hard
practical
side
that
misled
one
into
believing
she
could
get
over
anything
;
and
the
other
apparently
rather
histrionic
Alison
that
one
could
never
quite
take
seriously
.
In
a
tragic
way
these
two
sides
had
finally
combined
:
there
would
have
been
no
fake
suicides
with
her
,
no
swallowing
a
few
tablets
when
she
knew
someone
would
come
in
an
hour
’
s
time
.
But
a
weekend
to
die
.
It
was
not
only
that
I
felt
guilty
of
jettisoning
Alison
.
I
knew
,
with
one
of
those
secret
knowledges
that
can
exist
between
two
people
,
that
her
suicide
was
a
direct
result
of
my
having
told
her
of
my
own
attempt
—
I
had
told
it
with
a
curt
meiosis
that
was
meant
to
conceal
depths
;
and
she
had
called
my
bluff
one
final
time
.
I
don
’
t
think
you
know
what
sadness
means
.
I
remembered
those
hysterical
scenes
in
the
Piraeus
hotel
;
that
much
earlier
"
suicide
note
"
she
had
composed
,
to
blackmail
me
,
as
I
then
thought
,
just
before
I
left
London
.
I
thought
of
her
on
Parnassus
;
I
thought
of
her
in
Russell
Square
;
things
she
said
,
she
did
,
she
was
.
And
a
great
cloud
of
black
guilt
,
knowledge
of
my
atrocious
selfisimess
,
settled
on
me
.
All
those
bitter
home
truths
she
had
flung
at
me
,
right
from
the
beginning
…
and
still
loved
me
;
was
so
blind
that
she
still
loved
me
.
One
day
she
had
said
:
When
you
love
me
(
and
she
had
not
meant
"
make
love
to
me
"
)
it
’
s
as
if
God
forgave
me
for
being
the
mess
I
am
;
and
I
took
it
as
a
chicanery
,
another
emotional
blackmail
,
to
make
me
feel
essential
and
so
give
me
a
sense
of
responsibility
towards
her
.
In
a
way
her
death
was
the
final
act
of
blackmail
;
but
the
blackmailed
should
feel
innocent
,
and
I
felt
guilty
.
It
was
as
if
at
this
moment
,
when
I
most
wanted
to
be
clean
,
I
had
fallen
into
the
deepest
filth
;
most
free
for
the
future
,
yet
most
chained
to
the
past
.
And
Julie
;
she
now
became
a
total
necessity
.
Not
only
marriage
with
her
,
but
confession
to
her
.
If
she
had
been
beside
me
then
,
I
could
have
poured
out
everything
,
made
a
clean
start
.
I
needed
desperately
to
throw
myself
on
her
mercy
,
to
be
forgiven
by
her
.
Her
forgiveness
was
the
only
possible
justification
now
.
I
was
tired
,
tired
,
tired
of
deception
;
tired
of
being
deceived
;
tired
of
deceiving
others
;
and
most
tired
of
all
of
being
self
-
tricked
,
of
being
endlessly
at
the
mercy
of
my
own
loins
;
the
craving
for
the
best
,
that
made
the
very
worst
of
me
Those
flowers
,
those
intolerable
flowers
.
My
monstrous
crime
was
Adam
’
s
,
the
oldest
and
most
vicious
of
all
male
selfishnesses
:
to
have
imposed
the
role
I
needed
from
Alison
on
her
real
self
.
Something
far
worse
than
lèse
-
majesté
.
Lèse
-
humanité
.
What
had
she
said
about
that
muleteer
?
I
felt
two
packets
fond
of
him
.
And
one
death
fond
of
me
.
When
I
got
back
that
evening
I
wrote
two
letters
,
one
to
Ann
Taylor
,
the
other
to
Alison
’
s
mother
.
I
thanked
Ann
and
true
to
my
new
resolve
took
as
much
blame
as
I
could
;
to
the
mother
(
Goulburn
,
N
.
S
.
W
.
—
I
remembered
Alison
screwing
up
her
face
:
Goulburn
,
the
first
half
’
s
all
it
’
s
fit
for
,
the
second
’
s
what
they
ought
to
do
with
it
)
,
to
the
mother
,
a
difficult
,
because
I
didn
’
t
know
how
much
Alison
had
said
about
me
,
letter
of
condolence
.
Before
I
went
to
bed
I
took
out
England
’
s
Helicon
;
turned
to
Marlowe
.
Come
live
with
mee
,
and
be
my
love
,
And
we
will
all
the
pleasures
prove
,
That
Vallies
,
groves
,
hills
and
fieldes
,
Woods
or
steepie
mountaine
yeeldes
.
And
wee
will
sit
upon
the
Rocks
,
Seeing
the
sheepheards
feede
the
yr
flocks
,
By
shallow
Rivers
,
to
whose
fallsMelodious
byrds
sing
Madri
galls
.
And
I
will
make
thee
beds
of
Roses
,
And
a
thousand
fragrant
poesies
,
A
cap
of
flowers
,
and
a
kirtle
,
Imbroydred
all
with
leaves
of
Mirtle
…
I
had
another
letter
from
England
on
Saturday
.
There
was
a
small
black
eagle
on
the
flap
:
Barclay
’
s
Bank
.
DEAR
MR
.
URFE
,
Thank
you
for
writing
to
me
upon
the
recommendation
of
the
Misses
Holmes
.
I
have
pleasure
in
enclosing
a
form
which
I
hope
you
will
kindly
fill
in
and
return
to
me
and
also
a
small
booklet
with
details
of
the
special
services
we
can
offer
overseas
customers
.
Yours
truly
,
P
.
J
.
FEARN
,
ManagerI
looked
up
from
reading
it
into
the
eyes
of
the
boy
who
sat
opposite
me
at
table
,
and
gave
him
a
small
smile
;
the
unsuppressed
smile
of
the
bad
poker
player
.
Half
an
hour
later
I
was
climbing
through
the
windless
forest
to
the
central
ridge
.
The
mountains
were
reduced
to
a
pale
insubstantiality
by
the
heat
,
and
the
islands
to
the
east
rose
and
trembled
shimmeringly
over
the
sea
,
a
strange
optical
illusion
,
like
spinning
tops
.
On
the
central
ridge
I
moved
along
to
a
place
where
there
was
shade
and
a
view
down
over
Bourani
;
and
sat
there
for
an
hour
,
in
limbo
,
with
the
death
of
Alison
still
dark
inside
me
and
the
hope
of
Julie
,
Julie
now
confirmed
as
Julie
,
there
below
me
in
the
south
.
Gradually
,
those
last
two
days
,
I
had
begun
to
absorb
the
fact
of
Alison
’
s
death
;
that
is
,
had
begun
to
edge
it
out
of
the
moral
world
into
the
aesthetic
,
where
it
was
easier
to
live
with
.
By
this
sinister
elision
,
this
slipping
from
true
remorse
,
the
belief
that
the
suffering
we
have
precipitated
ought
to
ennoble
us
,
or
at
least
make
us
less
ignoble
from
then
on
,
to
disguised
self
-
forgiveness
,
the
belief
that
suffering
in
some
way
ennobles
life
,
so
that
the
precipitation
of
pain
comes
,
by
such
a
cockeyed
algebra
,
to
equal
the
ennoblement
,
or
at
any
rate
the
enrichment
,
of
life
,
by
this
characteristically
twentieth
-
century
retreat
from
content
into
form
,
from
meaning
into
appearance
,
from
ethics
into
aesthetics
,
from
aqua
into
unda
,
I
dulled
the
pain
of
that
accusing
death
;
and
hardened
myself
to
say
nothing
of
it
at
Bourani
.
I
was
still
determined
to
tell
Julie
,
but
at
the
right
time
and
place
,
when
the
exchange
rate
between
confession
and
the
sympathy
it
evoked
looked
likely
to
be
high
.
Before
I
moved
off
I
took
out
the
headed
Barclay
’
s
letter
and
read
it
again
.
It
had
the
effect
of
making
me
feel
more
indulgent
towards
Conchis
than
I
had
intended
to
be
.
I
saw
no
objection
now
to
a
few
small
last
dissimulations
—
on
both
sides
.
It
was
like
the
first
day
.
The
being
uninvited
,
unsure
;
the
going
through
the
gate
,
approaching
the
house
in
its
silent
sunlit
mystery
,
going
round
the
colonnade
;
and
there
too
it
was
the
same
,
the
tea
table
covered
in
muslin
.
No
one
present
.
The
sea
and
the
heat
through
the
arches
,
the
tiled
floor
,
the
silence
,
the
waiting
.
And
although
I
was
nervous
for
different
reasons
,
even
that
was
the
same
.
I
put
my
duffiebag
on
the
cane
settee
and
went
into
the
music
room
.
A
figure
stood
up
from
behind
the
harpsichord
.
He
had
evidently
been
sitting
on
the
music
stool
,
reading
a
book
,
which
he
put
down
as
soon
as
I
appeared
.
"
Nicholas
.
"
"
Hello
,
Mr
.
Conchis
.
"
My
voice
was
neutral
.
He
came
and
shook
my
hand
,
gave
me
a
scrutiny
;
the
characteristic
rapid
movement
of
his
head
.
"
I
am
invited
?
"
"
Of
course
.
Did
I
not
say
?
"
"
I
wasn
’
t
sure
.
"
"
You
are
well
?
"
"
Slightly
bruised
.
"
I
raised
my
hand
,
which
was
scarred
and
still
red
from
the
daubings
of
Mercurochrome
the
school
nurse
had
put
on
it
.
"
How
did
you
do
that
?
"
He
asked
the
question
with
a
perfect
effrontery
.
"
I
tripped
over
something
as
I
was
running
.
"
He
took
me
to
the
door
,
insisted
on
examining
the
hand
.
"
You
must
be
careful
.
There
is
always
the
danger
of
tetanus
.
"
"
I
intend
to
be
.
"
He
examined
my
bleak
smile
rather
as
he
had
looked
at
the
hand
.
With
the
minutest
of
shrugs
,
which
might
or
might
not
have
been
apologetic
,
he
took
my
arm
and
led
me
out
towards
the
tea
table
;
then
went
to
the
corner
.
"
Maria
!
"
He
came
back
to
the
table
,
and
whisked
the
muslin
away
.
We
sat
down
.
"
How
was
Geneva
?
"
"
Dull
.
"
He
offered
me
a
sandwich
.
"
I
foolishly
entered
a
financing
consortium
two
years
ago
.
Can
you
imagine
Versailles
with
not
one
Roi
Soleil
,
but
seven
of
them
?
"
"
Financing
what
?
"
"
Many
things
.
"
Marie
appeared
with
the
tray
.
"
But
tell
me
what
you
have
been
doing
.
"
"
Nothing
.
"
I
returned
his
oblique
smile
.
"
Waiting
.
"
He
took
the
compliment
with
a
little
bow
;
and
turned
to
the
tea
things
.
I
said
,
"
I
met
Barba
Dimitraki
the
other
day
.
By
chance
.
"
He
poured
the
tea
into
the
cups
,
so
unsurprised
that
I
suspected
he
already
knew
.
But
the
keen
,
bright
look
he
gave
me
as
he
handed
me
my
cup
appeared
to
convey
a
certain
admiration
;
as
if
he
might
have
underestimated
me
.
"
And
what
did
he
tell
you
?
"
"
Very
little
.
But
I
understand
that
I
have
more
fellow
victims
than
I
thought
.
"
"
Victims
?
"
"
A
victim
is
someone
who
has
something
inflicted
on
him
without
being
given
any
real
choice
.
"
He
sipped
his
tea
.
"
That
sounds
an
excellent
definition
of
man
.
"
"
I
should
like
an
excellent
definition
of
God
.
"
"
Yes
.
Of
course
.
"
He
put
his
cup
down
and
folded
his
arms
;
he
seemed
in
an
excellent
humor
,
at
his
most
Picasso
-
like
and
dangerous
.
"
I
was
going
to
wait
until
tomorrow
.
But
no
matter
.
"
He
glanced
at
my
hand
but
he
seemed
to
hint
at
something
other
.
At
Julie
?
The
smile
lingered
in
his
face
,
lingered
and
threatened
,
and
then
he
said
,
"
Well
.
What
do
you
think
I
am
doing
?
"
"
Preparing
to
make
a
fool
of
me
again
?
"
He
smiled
almost
benignly
at
me
,
as
if
that
afternoon
I
was
constantly
surprising
him
,
and
shook
his
head
.
"
Now
you
have
met
Barba
Dimitraki
…
"
He
left
one
of
his
characteristic
long
pauses
,
then
went
on
.
"
Before
the
war
we
used
to
amuse
ourselves
with
my
private
theatre
here
.
And
during
the
war
,
when
I
had
a
great
deal
of
time
to
think
,
and
no
friends
to
amuse
me
,
no
theatre
,
I
conceived
a
new
kind
of
drama
.
One
in
which
the
conventional
relations
between
audience
and
actors
were
forgotten
.
In
which
the
conventional
scenic
geography
,
the
notions
of
proscenium
,
stage
,
auditorium
,
were
completely
discarded
.
In
which
continuity
of
performance
,
either
in
time
or
place
,
was
ignored
.
And
in
which
the
action
,
the
narrative
was
fluid
,
with
only
a
point
of
departure
and
a
fixed
point
of
conclusion
.
"
His
mesmeric
eyes
pinned
mine
.
"
You
will
find
that
Artaud
and
Pirandello
and
Brecht
were
all
thinking
,
in
their
different
ways
,
along
similar
lines
.
But
they
had
neither
the
money
nor
the
will
—
and
perhaps
not
the
time
—
to
think
as
far
as
I
did
.
The
element
that
they
could
never
bring
themselves
to
discard
was
the
audience
.
"
He
spread
his
arms
.
"
Here
we
are
all
actors
.
None
of
us
are
as
we
really
are
.
"
He
raised
his
hand
quickly
.
"
Yes
,
I
know
.
You
think
you
are
not
acting
.
Just
pretending
a
little
.
But
you
have
much
to
learn
about
yourself
.
You
are
as
far
from
your
true
self
as
that
Egyptian
mask
Our
American
friend
wears
is
from
his
true
face
.
"
I
gave
him
a
warning
look
.
"
He
’
s
not
my
American
friend
.
"
"
If
you
had
seen
him
play
Othello
,
you
would
not
say
that
.
He
is
a
very
fine
young
actor
.
"
"
He
must
be
.
I
thought
he
was
meant
to
be
a
mute
.
"
His
smile
was
almost
mischievous
.
"
Then
I
have
proved
my
praise
.
"
"
Rather
a
waste
of
a
very
fine
young
actor
.
"
"
His
part
is
not
ended
yet
.
"
He
sat
watching
me
;
the
old
humorlessly
amused
look
.
"
And
you
are
the
producer
?
"
"
No
.
This
year
the
director
is
a
very
old
friend
of
mine
.
He
used
to
come
here
before
the
war
.
"
"
Shall
I
meet
him
?
"
"
That
depends
on
him
.
But
I
think
not
.
"
"
Why
on
him
?
"
"
Because
I
am
an
actor
too
,
Nicholas
,
in
this
strange
new
metatheatre
.
That
is
why
I
say
things
both
of
us
know
cannot
be
true
.
Why
I
am
permitted
to
lie
.
And
why
I
do
not
want
to
know
everything
.
I
also
wish
to
be
surprised
.
"
I
remembered
something
Julie
had
said
:
He
wants
us
to
be
mysteries
to
him
as
well
.
But
it
was
obviously
a
very
limited
freedom
and
mystery
he
wanted
in
us
;
however
large
an
aviary
the
fancier
builds
,
the
aviary
’
s
purpose
is
still
to
imprison
.
"
Your
bank
balance
must
get
some
surprises
,
too
.
"
"
My
dear
Nicholas
,
the
tragedy
of
being
very
rich
is
that
one
’
s
bank
balance
is
incapable
of
giving
one
surprises
.
Pleasant
or
otherwise
.
But
I
confess
that
this
is
the
most
ambitious
of
our
creations
.
That
is
partly
because
you
have
played
your
part
so
well
.
"
I
smiled
;
lit
a
cigarette
.
"
I
feel
I
should
ask
for
a
salary
.
"
"
You
will
receive
the
highest
salary
of
all
.
"
Julie
:
a
present
,
a
surprise
for
you
.
An
unexpected
possibility
shot
through
me
,
which
I
smothered
;
but
I
heard
an
unintended
note
of
deference
in
my
voice
.
"
I
didn
’
t
know
that
.
"
"
Perhaps
you
will
never
know
it
.
"
He
added
drily
,
"
I
am
not
talking
of
money
.
And
it
is
also
the
most
ambitious
of
our
creations
for
the
very
simple
reason
that
for
me
there
may
never
be
another
year
.
"
"
Your
heart
?
"
"
My
heart
.
"
But
he
looked
immortally
tanned
and
fit
;
in
any
case
,
distanced
any
sympathy
.
A
silence
came
between
us
.
I
said
,
"
Lily
?
"
"
You
will
see
Lily
later
.
"
"
I
didn
’
t
mean
that
.
"
"
Before
you
tell
me
what
you
do
mean
,
let
me
assure
you
that
after
this
weekend
you
will
never
see
her
again
.
In
your
life
.
That
is
the
fixed
point
of
conclusion
this
summer
.
"
This
was
the
"
last
trick
"
of
Julie
’
s
letter
.
I
guessed
it
;
to
make
me
think
I
had
lost
everything
,
then
to
give
it
to
me
.
I
gave
him
a
cool
look
.
"
’
In
my
life
’
is
a
long
time
.
"
"
Nevertheless
,
the
comedy
is
nearly
over
.
"
"
But
I
intend
to
see
the
actress
home
afterwards
.
"
"
She
has
promised
that
,
no
doubt
.
"
"
No
doubt
.
"
He
stood
up
.
"
Her
promises
are
worth
nothing
.
When
you
see
her
tomorrow
to
say
goodbye
,
ask
her
to
repeat
to
you
the
poem
of
Catullus
that
begins
Nulli
se
dicit
mulier
mea
.
"
"
Which
you
’
ve
taught
her
?
"
"
No
.
Lily
is
an
excellent
classical
scholar
,
and
she
has
an
excellent
memory
.
"
He
remained
staring
rather
fiercely
down
at
me
.
I
stood
as
well
;
but
I
was
enjoying
it
,
the
bluffing
.
"
Of
course
you
can
prevent
me
seeing
her
again
here
.
But
what
happens
when
we
leave
the
island
is
really
…
with
respect
…
our
business
.
Not
yours
.
"
"
I
am
trying
to
warn
you
.
As
you
say
,
I
cannot
stop
you
meeting
away
from
the
island
.
So
you
must
draw
your
own
conclusions
.
You
may
think
you
arrived
here
for
our
first
tea
together
by
pure
hazard
.
You
did
not
.
If
you
had
not
come
here
that
day
,
partly
of
your
own
free
will
,
we
should
have
ensured
that
you
were
definitely
here
by
the
next
weekend
.
Similarly
we
have
our
fixed
point
of
conclusion
.
You
will
be
foolish
to
fight
it
.
"
"
Can
you
command
people
’
s
emotions
so
easily
?
"
He
smiled
.
"
When
you
know
the
plot
.
"
I
felt
myself
getting
irritated
then
.
That
was
probably
his
intention
.
A
little
bat
’
s
wing
of
fear
flickered
through
my
mind
.
There
were
so
many
things
he
could
do
at
Bourani
,
so
many
surprises
he
could
spring
besides
whatever
Julie
believed
was
to
come
.
He
reached
out
his
hand
for
me
to
come
round
the
table
.
"
Nicholas
.
