Чувство и чувствительность/Feeling and sensitivity (Джейн Остен). Страница 197 из 215

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"

I

would

suppose

him

,

—

Oh

,

how

gladly

would

I

suppose

him

,

only

fickle

,

very

,

very

fickle

.

"

Elinor

said

no

more

.

She

was

debating

within

herself

on

the

eligibility

of

beginning

her

story

directly

,

or

postponing

it

till

Marianne

were

in

stronger

health

;

—

and

they

crept

on

for

a

few

minutes

in

silence

.

"

I

am

not

wishing

him

too

much

good

,

"

said

Marianne

at

last

with

a

sigh

,

"

when

I

wish

his

secret

reflections

may

be

no

more

unpleasant

than

my

own

.

He

will

suffer

enough

in

them

.

"

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"

Do

you

compare

your

conduct

with

his

?

"

"

No

.

I

compare

it

with

what

it

ought

to

have

been

;

I

compare

it

with

yours

.

"

"

Our

situations

have

borne

little

resemblance

.

"

"

They

have

borne

more

than

our

conduct

.

—

Do

not

,

my

dearest

Elinor

,

let

your

kindness

defend

what

I

know

your

judgment

must

censure

.

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My

illness

has

made

me

think

—

It

has

given

me

leisure

and

calmness

for

serious

recollection

.

Long

before

I

was

enough

recovered

to

talk

,

I

was

perfectly

able

to

reflect

.

I

considered

the

past

:

I

saw

in

my

own

behaviour

,

since

the

beginning

of

our

acquaintance

with

him

last

autumn

,

nothing

but

a

series

of

imprudence

towards

myself

,

and

want

of

kindness

to

others

.

I

saw

that

my

own

feelings

had

prepared

my

sufferings

,

and

that

my

want

of

fortitude

under

them

had

almost

led

me

to

the

grave

.

My

illness

,

I

well

knew

,

had

been

entirely

brought

on

by

myself

by

such

negligence

of

my

own

health

,

as

I

had

felt

even

at

the

time

to

be

wrong

.

Had

I

died

,

—

it

would

have

been

self

-

destruction

.

I

did

not

know

my

danger

till

the

danger

was

removed

;

but

with

such

feelings

as

these

reflections

gave

me

,

I

wonder

at

my

recovery

,

—

wonder

that

the

very

eagerness

of

my

desire

to

live

,

to

have

time

for

atonement

to

my

God

,

and

to

you

all

,

did

not

kill

me

at

once

.

Had

I

died

,

—

in

what

peculiar

misery

should

I

have

left

you

,

my

nurse

,

my

friend

,

my

sister

!

—

You

,

who

had

seen

all

the

fretful

selfishness

of

my

latter

days

;

who

had

known

all

the

murmurings

of

my

heart

!

—

How

should

I

have

lived

in

YOUR

remembrance

!

—

My

mother

too

!

How

could

you

have

consoled

her

!

—

I

cannot

express

my

own

abhorrence

of

myself

.

Whenever

I

looked

towards

the

past

,

I

saw

some

duty

neglected

,

or

some

failing

indulged

.

Every

body

seemed

injured

by

me

.

The

kindness

,

the

unceasing

kindness

of

Mrs

.

Jennings

,

I

had

repaid

with

ungrateful

contempt

.

To

the

Middletons

,

to

the

Palmers

,

the

Steeles

,

to

every

common

acquaintance

even

,

I

had

been

insolent

and

unjust

;

with

a

heart

hardened

against

their

merits

,

and

a

temper

irritated

by

their

very

attention

.

—

To

John

,

to

Fanny

,

—

yes

,

even

to

them

,

little

as

they

deserve

,

I

had

given

less

than

their

due

.

But

you

,

—

you

above

all

,

above

my

mother

,

had

been

wronged

by

me

.

I

,

and

only

I

,

knew

your

heart

and

its

sorrows

;

yet

to

what

did

it

influence

me

?

—

not

to

any

compassion

that

could

benefit

you

or

myself

.

—

Your

example

was

before

me

;

but

to

what

avail

?

—

Was

I

more

considerate

of

you

and

your

comfort

?

Did

I

imitate

your

forbearance

,

or

lessen

your

restraints

,

by

taking

any

part

in

those

offices

of

general

complaisance

or

particular

gratitude

which

you

had

hitherto

been

left

to

discharge

alone

?

—

No

;

—

not

less

when

I

knew

you

to

be

unhappy

,

than

when

I

had

believed

you

at

ease

,

did

I

turn

away

from

every

exertion

of

duty

or

friendship

;

scarcely

allowing

sorrow

to

exist

but

with

me

,

regretting

only

that

heart

which

had

deserted

and

wronged

me

,

and

leaving

you

,

for

whom

I

professed

an

unbounded

affection

,

to

be

miserable

for

my

sake

.

"

Here

ceased

the

rapid

flow

of

her

self

-

reproving

spirit

;

and

Elinor

,

impatient

to

soothe

,

though

too

honest

to

flatter

,

gave

her

instantly

that

praise

and

support

which

her

frankness

and

her

contrition

so

well

deserved

.

Marianne

pressed

her

hand

and

replied

,

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