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I
remember
the
scene
impelled
me
to
sudden
laughter
,
and
in
the
next
instant
I
realized
I
was
becoming
hysterical
myself
;
for
these
were
women
of
my
own
kind
,
like
my
mother
and
sisters
,
with
the
fear
of
death
upon
them
and
unwilling
to
die
.
And
I
remember
that
the
sounds
they
made
reminded
me
of
the
squealing
of
pigs
under
the
knife
of
the
butcher
,
and
I
was
struck
with
horror
at
the
vividness
of
the
analogy
.
These
women
,
capable
of
the
most
sublime
emotions
,
of
the
tenderest
sympathies
,
were
open-mouthed
and
screaming
.
They
wanted
to
live
,
they
were
helpless
,
like
rats
in
a
trap
,
and
they
screamed
.
The
horror
of
it
drove
me
out
on
deck
.
I
was
feeling
sick
and
squeamish
,
and
sat
down
on
a
bench
.
In
a
hazy
way
I
saw
and
heard
men
rushing
and
shouting
as
they
strove
to
lower
the
boats
.
It
was
just
as
I
had
read
descriptions
of
such
scenes
in
books
.
The
tackles
jammed
.
Nothing
worked
.
One
boat
lowered
away
with
the
plugs
out
,
filled
with
women
and
children
and
then
with
water
,
and
capsized
.
Another
boat
had
been
lowered
by
one
end
,
and
still
hung
in
the
tackle
by
the
other
end
,
where
it
had
been
abandoned
.
Nothing
was
to
be
seen
of
the
strange
steamboat
which
had
caused
the
disaster
,
though
I
heard
men
saying
that
she
would
undoubtedly
send
boats
to
our
assistance
.
I
descended
to
the
lower
deck
.
The
Martinez
was
sinking
fast
,
for
the
water
was
very
near
.
Numbers
of
the
passengers
were
leaping
overboard
.
Others
,
in
the
water
,
were
clamouring
to
be
taken
aboard
again
.
No
one
heeded
them
.
A
cry
arose
that
we
were
sinking
.
I
was
seized
by
the
consequent
panic
,
and
went
over
the
side
in
a
surge
of
bodies
.
How
I
went
over
I
do
not
know
,
though
I
did
know
,
and
instantly
,
why
those
in
the
water
were
so
desirous
of
getting
back
on
the
steamer
.
The
water
was
cold
--
so
cold
that
it
was
painful
.
The
pang
,
as
I
plunged
into
it
,
was
as
quick
and
sharp
as
that
of
fire
.
It
bit
to
the
marrow
.
It
was
like
the
grip
of
death
.
I
gasped
with
the
anguish
and
shock
of
it
,
filling
my
lungs
before
the
life-preserver
popped
me
to
the
surface
.
The
taste
of
the
salt
was
strong
in
my
mouth
,
and
I
was
strangling
with
the
acrid
stuff
in
my
throat
and
lungs
.
But
it
was
the
cold
that
was
most
distressing
.
I
felt
that
I
could
survive
but
a
few
minutes
.
People
were
struggling
and
floundering
in
the
water
about
me
.
I
could
hear
them
crying
out
to
one
another
.
And
I
heard
,
also
,
the
sound
of
oars
.
Evidently
the
strange
steamboat
had
lowered
its
boats
.
As
the
time
went
by
I
marvelled
that
I
was
still
alive
.
I
had
no
sensation
whatever
in
my
lower
limbs
,
while
a
chilling
numbness
was
wrapping
about
my
heart
and
creeping
into
it
.
Small
waves
,
with
spiteful
foaming
crests
,
continually
broke
over
me
and
into
my
mouth
,
sending
me
off
into
more
strangling
paroxysms
.
The
noises
grew
indistinct
,
though
I
heard
a
final
and
despairing
chorus
of
screams
in
the
distance
,
and
knew
that
the
Martinez
had
gone
down
.
Later
--
how
much
later
I
have
no
knowledge
--
I
came
to
myself
with
a
start
of
fear
.
I
was
alone
.
I
could
hear
no
calls
or
cries
--
only
the
sound
of
the
waves
,
made
weirdly
hollow
and
reverberant
by
the
fog
.
A
panic
in
a
crowd
,
which
partakes
of
a
sort
of
community
of
interest
,
is
not
so
terrible
as
a
panic
when
one
is
by
oneself
;
and
such
a
panic
I
now
suffered
.
Whither
was
I
drifting
?
The
red-faced
man
had
said
that
the
tide
was
ebbing
through
the
Golden
Gate
.
Was
I
,
then
,
being
carried
out
to
sea
?
And
the
life-preserver
in
which
I
floated
?
Was
it
not
liable
to
go
to
pieces
at
any
moment
?
I
had
heard
of
such
things
being
made
of
paper
and
hollow
rushes
which
quickly
became
saturated
and
lost
all
buoyancy
.
And
I
could
not
swim
a
stroke
.
And
I
was
alone
,
floating
,
apparently
,
in
the
midst
of
a
grey
primordial
vastness
.
I
confess
that
a
madness
seized
me
,
that
I
shrieked
aloud
as
the
women
had
shrieked
,
and
beat
the
water
with
my
numb
hands
.
How
long
this
lasted
I
have
no
conception
,
for
a
blankness
intervened
,
of
which
I
remember
no
more
than
one
remembers
of
troubled
and
painful
sleep
.
When
I
aroused
,
it
was
as
after
centuries
of
time
;
and
I
saw
,
almost
above
me
and
emerging
from
the
fog
,
the
bow
of
a
vessel
,
and
three
triangular
sails
,
each
shrewdly
lapping
the
other
and
filled
with
wind
.
Where
the
bow
cut
the
water
there
was
a
great
foaming
and
gurgling
,
and
I
seemed
directly
in
its
path
.
I
tried
to
cry
out
,
but
was
too
exhausted
.
The
bow
plunged
down
,
just
missing
me
and
sending
a
swash
of
water
clear
over
my
head
.
Then
the
long
,
black
side
of
the
vessel
began
slipping
past
,
so
near
that
I
could
have
touched
it
with
my
hands
.
I
tried
to
reach
it
,
in
a
mad
resolve
to
claw
into
the
wood
with
my
nails
,
but
my
arms
were
heavy
and
lifeless
.
Again
I
strove
to
call
out
,
but
made
no
sound
.
The
stern
of
the
vessel
shot
by
,
dropping
,
as
it
did
so
,
into
a
hollow
between
the
waves
;
and
I
caught
a
glimpse
of
a
man
standing
at
the
wheel
,
and
of
another
man
who
seemed
to
be
doing
little
else
than
smoke
a
cigar
.
I
saw
the
smoke
issuing
from
his
lips
as
he
slowly
turned
his
head
and
glanced
out
over
the
water
in
my
direction
.
It
was
a
careless
,
unpremeditated
glance
,
one
of
those
haphazard
things
men
do
when
they
have
no
immediate
call
to
do
anything
in
particular
,
but
act
because
they
are
alive
and
must
do
something
.
But
life
and
death
were
in
that
glance
.
I
could
see
the
vessel
being
swallowed
up
in
the
fog
;
I
saw
the
back
of
the
man
at
the
wheel
,
and
the
head
of
the
other
man
turning
,
slowly
turning
,
as
his
gaze
struck
the
water
and
casually
lifted
along
it
toward
me
.
His
face
wore
an
absent
expression
,
as
of
deep
thought
,
and
I
became
afraid
that
if
his
eyes
did
light
upon
me
he
would
nevertheless
not
see
me
.
But
his
eyes
did
light
upon
me
,
and
looked
squarely
into
mine
;
and
he
did
see
me
,
for
he
sprang
to
the
wheel
,
thrusting
the
other
man
aside
,
and
whirled
it
round
and
round
,
hand
over
hand
,
at
the
same
time
shouting
orders
of
some
sort
.
The
vessel
seemed
to
go
off
at
a
tangent
to
its
former
course
and
leapt
almost
instantly
from
view
into
the
fog
.
