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- Даниэл Киз
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- Таинственная история Билли Миллигана
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- Стр. 517/524
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With
the
mass
of
nothingness
I
decided
to
use
my
imagination
on
the
chipping
paint
on
the
opposite
wall
.
I
could
conjure
up
silhouette
images
for
my
own
amusement
and
try
to
identify
them
.
Today
,
only
faces
,
old
,
ugly
and
ravaged
demonic
faces
seemed
to
hallucinate
from
the
chips
of
an
aging
institution
.
It
was
scary
but
I
allowed
it
.
The
wall
was
laughing
at
me
.
I
hate
that
wall
.
Damn
that
wall
!
It
wants
to
come
closer
and
closer
and
laugh
harder
.
The
sweat
from
my
brow
was
stinging
my
eyes
but
I
fought
to
keep
them
open
.
I
have
to
guard
that
wall
,
or
that
loud
laughing
wall
will
move
in
on
me
,
invade
me
,
crush
me
.
I
will
stay
frozen
and
guard
the
damn
loud
laughing
wall
.
410
men
declared
criminally
insane
shadow
the
endless
halls
of
this
God
forgotten
pit
.
I
grow
angry
at
the
fact
that
the
State
had
the
gall
to
call
this
place
a
hospital
.
Lima
State
Hospital
.
Clank
!
Silence
fell
over
Ward
22
except
the
tinkling
and
sweeping
of
the
broken
window
.
Someone
smashed
a
small
window
in
the
day
hall
where
we
sit
against
the
wall
in
hard
,
thick
wooden
chairs
.
You
sit
,
you
may
smoke
.
You
do
not
talk
,
you
have
both
feet
on
the
floor
,
or
life
will
get
very
hard
on
you
.
Who
broke
a
window
?
Now
the
attendants
will
be
in
a
bitchy
mood
because
their
card
game
was
interrupted
and
one
will
be
ordered
to
stay
in
the
dayroom
if
they
will
let
us
out
of
our
little
boxes
.
—
I
could
hear
nothing
,
dazed
in
my
trance
-
like
stupor
.
My
body
was
numb
and
hollow
.
The
damn
loud
laughing
wall
stopped
laughing
.
The
wall
was
a
wall
and
the
chips
were
chips
.
My
hands
were
cold
but
clammy
and
the
thumping
of
my
heart
echoes
inside
my
hollow
body
.
The
waitful
anxiety
began
to
choke
me
,
waiting
to
come
out
of
my
little
box
,
but
I
remain
frozen
on
my
bed
staring
at
the
silent
,
motionless
wall
.
Me
,
a
nothingness
zombie
in
a
nothingness
box
in
a
nothingness
hell
.
Saliva
trying
to
spill
over
my
dry
parched
lips
was
a
sure
sign
that
the
psychotropic
medication
was
fighting
for
control
of
my
mind
,
soul
and
body
.
Should
I
fight
it
?
Declare
it
the
winner
?
Succumb
to
the
third
world
to
escape
the
tragic
realities
that
lie
beyond
my
steel
door
?
Is
life
worth
living
in
the
jaws
of
society
’
s
trash
can
for
misfit
minds
?
What
can
I
possibly
achieve
or
contribute
to
mankind
in
this
steel
and
concrete
box
with
a
damn
loud
laughing
wall
that
moves
?
Just
give
up
?
More
questions
raced
through
my
mind
like
a
33
record
set
on
78
,
growing
more
and
more
intense
.
Suddenly
a
horrifying
shock
volted
through
my
body
that
threw
my
slumped
shoulders
back
and
set
me
even
more
upright
.
Reality
forcing
itself
upon
me
like
a
vicious
slap
in
the
face
broke
my
trance
and
cracked
my
frozen
joints
.
Something
was
crawling
up
my
spine
.
My
imagination
?
After
gathering
what
few
senses
I
had
left
I
knew
it
was
not
.
There
was
something
crawling
up
my
spine
.
I
reacted
by
jerking
my
shirt
over
my
head
ignoring
the
fact
it
had
buttons
.
Blind
fear
has
no
mercy
for
material
items
.
3
buttons
popped
.
Flinging
the
shirt
to
the
floor
the
feeling
left
my
back
.
Peering
down
at
the
shirt
I
saw
the
invader
.
A
cockroach
about
3
centimeters
long
and
black
had
been
tap
dancing
on
my
lumbars
.
The
gross
insect
was
harmless
but
shocking
.
The
rodent
did
make
up
my
mind
for
me
.
I
came
back
to
this
side
of
reality
but
was
still
thinking
about
my
inner
-
debate
.
I
did
let
the
hideous
little
thing
go
.
Secretly
I
was
content
with
the
awareness
I
had
of
myself
proud
of
the
mental
and
physical
victory
.
I
am
not
a
mental
basket
case
.
I
still
had
some
fight
in
me
.
I
have
not
lost
but
I
have
not
won
.
I
broke
a
window
and
I
don
’
t
even
know
why
.
Hie
writer
received
a
letter
,
dated
January
30
,
from
another
patient
at
Lima
:
Dear
Sir
,
Let
me
get
to
the
main
point
.
Within
twenty
four
hours
of
Bill
’
s
visit
by
his
attorney
,
Bill
was
transferred
from
I
.
T
.
U
.
5
to
I
.
T
.
U
.
9
.
Nine
is
a
stronger
ward
than
five
.
