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"
Look
,
"
I
told
her
,
"
other
people
want
to
use
that
sauce
.
You
re
making
me
sick
!
Stop
it
.
"
"
No
,
they
refill
it
each
time
.
"
I
hoped
they
did
refill
it
each
time
.
Then
the
food
arrived
and
Sara
bent
and
attacked
it
like
an
animal
,
just
as
Lydia
used
to
do
.
We
finished
eating
and
then
we
went
out
and
she
got
into
her
van
and
drove
to
her
health
food
place
,
and
I
got
in
my
Volks
and
started
out
toward
Playa
del
Rey
.
I
had
been
given
careful
directions
.
The
directions
were
confusing
,
but
I
followed
them
and
had
no
trouble
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It
was
almost
disappointing
because
it
seemed
when
stress
and
madness
were
eliminated
from
my
daily
life
there
wasn
t
much
left
you
could
depend
on
.
I
drove
into
Debra
s
yard
.
I
saw
a
movement
behind
the
blinds
.
She
d
been
watching
for
me
.
I
got
out
of
the
Volks
and
made
sure
that
both
doors
were
locked
since
my
auto
insurance
had
expired
.
I
walked
up
and
bing
-
bonged
Debra
s
bell
.
She
opened
the
door
and
seemed
glad
to
see
me
.
That
was
all
right
,
but
it
was
things
like
that
which
kept
a
writer
from
getting
his
work
done
.
I
didn
t
do
much
the
rest
of
the
week
.
The
Oaktree
meet
was
on
.
I
went
to
the
track
2
or
3
times
,
broke
even
.
I
wrote
a
dirty
story
for
a
sex
mag
,
wrote
10
or
12
poems
,
masturbated
,
and
phoned
Sara
and
Debra
each
night
.
One
night
I
phoned
Cassie
and
a
man
answered
.
Goodbye
,
Cassie
.
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I
thought
about
breakups
,
how
difficult
they
were
,
but
then
usually
it
was
only
after
you
broke
up
with
one
woman
that
you
met
another
.
I
had
to
taste
women
in
order
to
really
know
them
,
to
get
inside
of
them
.
I
could
invent
men
in
my
mind
because
I
was
one
,
but
women
,
for
me
,
were
almost
impossible
to
fictionalize
without
first
knowing
them
.
So
I
explored
them
as
best
I
could
and
I
found
human
beings
inside
.
The
writing
would
be
forgotten
.
The
writing
would
become
much
less
than
the
episode
itself
until
the
episode
ended
.
The
writing
was
only
the
residue
.
A
man
didn
t
have
to
have
a
woman
in
order
to
feel
as
real
as
he
could
feel
,
but
it
was
good
if
he
knew
a
few
.
Then
when
the
affair
went
wrong
he
d
feel
what
it
was
like
to
be
truly
lonely
and
crazed
,
and
thus
know
what
he
must
face
,
finally
,
when
his
own
end
came
.
I
was
sentimental
about
many
things
:
a
woman
s
shoes
under
the
bed
;
one
hairpin
left
behind
on
the
dresser
;
the
way
they
said
,
"
I
m
going
to
pee
.
.
.
"
;
hair
ribbons
;
walking
down
the
boulevard
with
them
at
1
:
30
in
the
afternoon
,
just
two
people
walking
together
;
the
long
nights
of
drinking
and
smoking
,
talking
;
the
arguments
;
thinking
of
suicide
;
eating
together
and
feeling
good
;
the
jokes
,
the
laughter
out
of
nowhere
;
feeling
miracles
in
the
air
;
being
in
a
parked
car
together
;
comparing
past
loves
at
3
am
;
being
told
you
snore
,
hearing
her
snore
;
mothers
,
daughters
,
sons
,
cats
,
dogs
;
sometimes
death
and
sometimes
divorce
,
but
always
carrying
on
,
always
seeing
it
through
;
reading
a
newspaper
alone
in
a
sandwich
joint
and
feeling
nausea
because
she
s
now
married
to
a
dentist
with
an
I
.
Q
.
of
95
;
racetracks
,
parks
,
park
picnics
;
even
jails
;
her
dull
friends
,
your
dull
friends
;
your
drinking
,
her
dancing
;
your
flirting
,
her
flirting
;
her
pills
,
your
fucking
on
the
side
,
and
her
doing
the
same
;
sleeping
together
.
.
.
There
were
no
judgments
to
be
made
,
yet
out
of
necessity
one
had
to
select
.
Beyond
good
and
evil
was
all
right
in
theory
,
but
to
go
on
living
one
had
to
select
:
some
were
kinder
than
others
,
some
were
simply
more
interested
in
you
,
and
sometimes
the
outwardly
beautiful
and
inwardly
cold
were
necessary
,
just
for
bloody
,
shitty
kicks
,
like
a
bloody
,
shitty
movie
.
The
kinder
ones
fucked
better
,
really
,
and
after
you
were
around
them
a
while
they
seemed
beautiful
because
they
were
.
I
thought
of
Sara
,
she
had
that
something
extra
.